


prankd losers

by americangothic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 16:05:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10812336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americangothic/pseuds/americangothic
Summary: coran fucking murders everyone lol





	prankd losers

“Alright, gang,” Allura said as she pointed to the holographic image of a planet. “We need to go help the Septictanks.” 

“The what?” Keith asked. Allura frowned at him. 

“The Septictanks, Keith. They’re an ancient alien race that live on Allen Ivars, and they-”

Lance burst into tears. “Allen- Allen Ivars?” he said through the thick brown fluid running down his face. “That’s… that’s my deadbeat dad’s name.” 

Shiro affixed Lance with a look. “Well, Lance, your deadbeat ‘dad’ is actually a planet. Now be quiet and listen to Allura.”

Lance, pondering this news, sat down in a puddle of muddy tears. Allura glanced over at Lance as she continued. “The Septictanks have unusually long seasons compared to many other planets. In fact, their spring has stretched on for 10,001 years and is now coming to a close. During that time, the Septictanks slept. The wildlife on their planet consists mostly of small undergrowth, but there is a grove of trees called the ‘Count of Monte Cristo’ that have incredibly long limbs that stretch around the planet. The Septictanks need us to come and help them snap the limbs off the trees. Any questions?”

Pidge raised her hand awkwardly. “Well, Allura, how are we going to get the limbs off?” Coran shot her with a handgun. “DON'T QUESTION THE PRINCESS!” he yelled angrily. Lance scrambled to get off the ground as Pidge’s blood mixed with his mud tears. 

“Anyway,” Allura continued as Pidge lay bleeding to death on the floor, “We should head to our lions.”

Shiro backflipped to the hangar like he was Sportacus or some shit, followed by Coran and Allura, also backflipping. Keith and Lance lifted Pidge’s body on their backs, Lance wincing at the feeling of blood dripping down his shirt. They put her into a cryopod, propping her up before shutting the door. Then they somersaulted into the hangar. 

Keith gave a cheerful yell as he was vored by his lion. Buckling himself in, he turned his comm on just in time to hear the sounds of Lance choking down his seat belt. “Dammit Lance!” he cried. “You know rubber isn’t good for you!” 

A tear rolled down Lance’s face. “I don’t  _ care _ ,” he said. Keith angrily slammed his hand into the control panel of his lion. “Say it with  _ emotion _ !” he cried. “You can’t just  _ say _ something! Said is  _ dead _ , and we killed him!” 

The black lion hummed violently with something that sounded like “lankles” and Shiro flipped on his comm. “Hey!” he yelled. “We’re on a mission! Stop arguing!” Keith and Lance both gave a grumble of approval.

Voltron flew on in silence for a bit before Allura said “We’re here, paladins.” She hopped onto a tree limb that extended further than the paladins could see. The lions ungraciously spit out their respective paladins and lay down on the tree branches.

“Wow!” Keith exclaimed. “Look at these trees! I bet Shiro could wrap his arms around them!” Shiro turned around so fast he gave himself whiplash. “Keith, don’t be silly. I don’t have arms.”

Allura extended both of her arms and turned the arguing bros around. A tall alien was standing in front of them, slowly dripping purple liquid onto the trees. “Hello,” the alien murmured. “I am a Septictank. Are you the paladins of Voltron?”

Shiro nodded slowly. “Yes. We have come to help you de-limb your trees.” Lance elbowed Keith, snickering. 

“Sounds like a sex metaphor, eh?” he remarked. Keith was trying to cover the wound that had formed almost instantly upon being hit by Lance’s elbow and stop the bleeding. He gave Lance a weak smile. Shiro continued talking.

“So, uh, where should we start?” he asked the Septictank. The purple alien gestured to the surrounding trees. “Anywhere,” they murmured.

Keith, having bandaged up the wound in his side, raised his hand. “Can I make a suggestion?” he asked. Coran turned to him and shot him with a handgun before replying “No.”

Lance tried his best to ignore the growing number of dead paladins and turned to the alien. “Alright,” he said as he pulled out his chainsaw. Yelling over the loud revving noise, Allura told Lance he was a bitch. Lance wiped a muddy tear away and continued to cut through the tree limb. 

“Wait,” the Septictank said. “Don’t cut thr-” A loud crack cut off his sentence. The tree limb swung downwards, and with a horrible feeling in his stomach, Lance followed. It took him almost a minute to fall to the ground. He turned on his comm and spoke into it with a rough voice. “Hey, what happened?”

Nobody answered him except Allura’s screams. Looking over, Lance discovered his still-running chainsaw was digging into her stomach. His helmet view was slick with blood by the time he looked away. Suddenly, Lance was aware of a figure standing behind him. He turned around just in time to see the barrel of a handgun before being shot in the head.

Coran lifted the gun to his lips and blew away the smoke. “Three down, one to go,” he said to himself quietly. 

Groaning, Shiro dug his way out from underneath the heavy tree limb. He rolled away from Keith’s dead body and looked around. “Allura? Lance?” he called out. There was nothing but silence. “Coran? Septictank? Anyone?”

A loud crash echoed through the forest. Shiro suddenly heard Keith’s voice calling out to him from beyond the grave. “Shiro…” it said. 

“Yes?” Shiro called. “Is that you, Keith?” 

A figure appeared behind Shiro, walking towards him slowly and methodically. “Shiro… Don’t let your english teachers fool you…”

Right as Coran lifted the gun, Keith whispered “It’s okay to use said more than once in a story.” Shiro gasped, right as Coran’s bullet entered his brain. Shiro’s body fell to the floor, dead.

Coran raised his head to the sky, whistling. A large monkey descended from the heavens, lankles and hypotenuse alike. Coran hopped onto its back and the monkey ascended as quickly as it had arrived.

**Author's Note:**

> im joke


End file.
